Call Center Hell# 3: Homicidal first day at work

5 am. Back to sleep. Fuck. 6 am. Back to sleep. Fuck. 6:15 am: Fuck. 6:30 am: Fuck. 6:45am: Fuck. 7 am: Fuck. I’ll start by saying that 7 in the morning is a strange time in the day for a person recently unemployed. Work at the Call Center begins at 8. I’m buried alive [...]

Colony of Losers-Breakfast of Champions

As I write this there is a new poster on my wall. It says Special Breakfast, 2 eggs with Ham, Bacon or Sausage. It used to be in the window of my favorite restaurant. Now it’s my last reminder of the best and worst times of my life. The Spartan Restaurant closed its doors for [...]

Colony of Losers Day 6: Call Centers Part 2: Scam Call Centers

Lower Than You Can Go: There are legitimate call centers and there are also scam call centers. I have worked at both. While legitimate call centers make you into a robot, scam call centers make you feel like the worst piece of shit the universe ever crapped out. My job at XXXXX Credit Solutions can [...]

Colony of Losers Day 5: Call Center Part 1: The Cycle

The Cycle: I staggered down the street towards the walk in clinic. People stared at me wondering if Macauly Culkin had finally taken that fatal line of coke. I looked like I was having an aneurysm or a very painful shit in a very public place. I pushed open the glass doors, stumbled past the [...]

Chapter 1: She Smiles

A beautiful girl smiles in Auschwitz. No one bothers her. No one has bothered her since the day she emerged from the showers wearing this same joyful smile. It seems that nothing can affect her happiness. There is nothing more contemptible than falling in love. Over the gates of hell, I wrote: “Love Made Me.” [...]

For Four: The Beginning

“It all’s my fault,” I say. The boy will not stop screaming. His fingernails scratch at the six inches of water, trying to tear the eyes out of his reflection. In a dark cave, away from the devastation, I am torturing the boy who was supposed to save the world. “You’re going to have to [...]

Last Night Reviewed In Japan or Kleenex please

It’s unfortunate that masturbation is so focused on self indulgent pleasure rather than something more altruistic. I wish we could masturbate for world peace, for upswings in our dying economy, for starving people receiving a nice hot meal, for culture that blossoms despite Harper being a prick, masturbate out of sheer love of the opera [...]

Colony of Losers-Day 4-Meet Nole Kimber

Welcome back to the Colony of Losers. Today I’m going to introduce you to one of the most important members of my own colony. His name is Nole. He recently turned 19 and two years ago he became my brother. How this happened is as strange as the man himself. Over the years, I’ve gotten [...]

Colony of Losers-Day 3

In the Colony of Losers, it’s not that we lack the potential to succeed; it’s just that we haven’t yet. The Colony of Losers isn’t a prison, it’s a fraternity that every single man, woman and child will pass through in their lives. Your parents were losers before they succeeded enough to only be vaguely dissatisfied with their lot in life. Bill Gates was one of us, whacking off in the bathroom to that teacher he gave an apple to that didn’t give him the time of day.

About

Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

Really obvious disclaimer:
I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

Fantastic Thoughts of Quimbo

I suffer from anxiety, being a twenty something and having an awesome blog. Check out colony-of-losers.com

Obama should do this to Romney

Do you think the Coca Cola executive who made up Santa is in hell being tortured by the baby jesus?

I shaved my neck beard increasing my general level of handsomeness. This made me feel fit. I didn't go to the gym today for this reason.

I saw a man reading Audacity of Hope in Starbucks with tears rolling down his cheeks. The question is for what reason?

I always count on someone at a bar to instruct me to become a better person. I learned don't go to Walmart, they killed 3 billion kids.#true

Give it up for all the kids who used to chew on their hoodie handles of their sweaters.

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