Colony of Losers- Fuck Stigma and Mental Illness, I'm like 25

Surviving your Quarter Life Crisis and becoming an adult

Last Night Reviewed In Japan or Kleenex please

Posted on | April 5, 2010 | 1 Comment

It’s unfortunate that masturbation is so focused on self indulgent pleasure rather than something more altruistic. I wish we could masturbate for world peace, for upswings in our dying economy,  for starving people receiving a nice hot meal,  for culture that blossoms despite Harper being a prick, masturbate out of sheer love of the opera and CBC’s Definitely Not The Opera. Wouldn’t humanity be sublime if we came every time we had a nice thought about other people, about helping the environment? Wouldn’t we be better people?   If we only we could pray with one hand…what a glorious world this would be.

It seems like our culture is in constant pursuit of new and fascinating ways to pat ourselves on the back to pleasure and revelation.  What led you to my den of inequity?  Were you checking your Facebook to see if people liked you?  Or if your friend from highschool has a cute or ugly baby who you can say is cute and renew your long dead friendship?  Were you checking your email to see if your friends wrote back. Did you just check it two times in between reading this blog. Bored. Well go on MSN messenger and see if people really want to reach out and touch you in the short intermission where you are on the internet and not touching yourself.

Social media offers us a chance to get gold stars from strangers, applause for our witty status updates and praise for our knowledgeable use of links. We can find out what people really think of  our pictures where our shirts were lowcut and our eyes obliterated by drink and smoke while striking the white person gangster pose.   The need for approval from friends and strangers alike grows in intensity the less validation we get on a daily basis. As you get older you run out of strangers and your friends can’t always find you hilarious or even interesting. Once you finish school it’s harder to meet people that can accurately see a new you. So it becomes harder to become a new you, bogged down in the disinterest of eyes that look at you too often to always see what’s special about you. Enter Facebook. Tell me what you had for breakfast and I’ll read it if you read mine.  Type in random song lyrics and speak to my soul.

I sound sarcastic but I have wasted enough time that I am speaking from experiencing. There are books I could be writing instead of status update.  And truthuflly I am too scared to approach strangers and strike up conversation. I have to rely on getting drunk at parties and yelling my way into the hearts  and minds of the friends of my friends.  Lately I haven’t been drinking, I’ve been blogging.

You are probably thinking I am quite the hypocrite.  Talking of masturbation while writing a blog and demanding you look at me….praise me..laugh at my jokes. Well I have no shortage of amazing friends. My girlfriend happens to be the type of girl I wished and prayed for when I was a little boy and I can’t accurately describe how happy she makes me without quoting obscure song lyrics and using emoticons. My friends have had my back through thick and thin and times got anorexic for a while there.

I do however have a shortage of acquaintances who find me amusing and interesting and that’s where you come in. I also hope someday to use this blog to propel me to the heights of fame and stardom five year old Michael Kimber is constantly complaining that I have yet to reach.  It is unfortunate that it’s wrong to hit children and this includes your inner child with his/her unrealistic beliefs on where you should be in your life. After all…he’s fucking five. You ever have a conversation with a five year old?  I’d talk more about this but Louis CK does it so much better.

But since I have your attention I thought I would share a tiny success I discovered as a result of constantly googling myself.  My album Last Night was reviewed in Japan.This is thanks to a wonderful girl named Aya who came to Halifax to see the home of  Buck 65 and lesser known Nova Scotian genius Knowself and my curiously named brother by blood and spirit if not last name: Josh Martinez.  I met her at the Seahorse where she would dance by herself during hip hop shows.  I ended up teaching her English by reading her Hunter S. Thompson’s Decadent and Depraved at the Kentucky Derby.  But again…we are talking about me.

Translations are rough but the actual review is here.
The album is available for download here

The best translation I could get is this:

How! Younger brother of [jiyoshiyu] [maruteinesu]!! Even just this is stimulated interest rather, but such an extra knowledge and seven shining etc 蹴 it scatters! As 1 artists the album of splendid contents. The friend and the first album have been produced at the time of the high school student, it seems, but now as proper the work the first album. This Michael [kinba] you, with local Canadian beam facsimile, glance the existence which is placed it probably will put out e.g., the judge is served with MC battle, as top fleece tie Ra is. Voice quality has been similar to older brother [jiyoshiyu] [maruteinesu], but it is rougher attack style. Both the sibling, well well sliding tongue to be good it is something which [guruguru] and tongue turn. Fleece tie Ra to seem the high-speed flow which draws out word rapidly having been expressed to also the sound source, [yaba] on site you can ask. Also writing activity of the novel has done, soon the publication is planned, it seems. Also talent as that [ririshisuto] can taste with this album. While everyone experiences and from the adolescence becoming the adult you drew the various occurrences which are experienced through overhead person Bobby Pilsner, lost the close friend, fell to the various women and/or and love with said, his himself experience to be many, as one story is formed music and to attractive from including and beginning the album to end. Y-Rush of Alpha Flight Crew which in scratch with DMC beam facsimile preliminary round of this year wins in 3 rank participates, masters Hermit of [reberumeito], the sound source of Canadian [harihuatsukusu] 100% which is set firmly with the artist of beam facsimile e.g., appoints Justin Kinch to the producer. Roughing passion and the one-track mind whose is hot to HIPHOP purity it is the good album where you feel. The lap is hot, but as for entire tone of the track/truck having settled, the color of sepia matches the pathos where drifts the tune which the center. As for [jiyoshiyu] [maruteinesuhuan], of course thing, that who? We would like to have hearing even in the [tsu] [te] person, to first the very masterpiece. In the future it is attention.

And that is my verbal masturbation for the day.  Listen to my emotional album and maybe you’ll need the kleenex for another reason.

Expect a Colony of Losers blog in the very near future.



One Response to “Last Night Reviewed In Japan or Kleenex please”

  1. wpseo
    May 10th, 2010 @ 2:56 pm

    Let the debate begin!

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  • About

    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

    Really obvious disclaimer:
    I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

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