Cure#9: What I think of when I think of bowling

November 31st, 2009 “So what seems to be the problem?” asks the doctor. My doctor looks like an older version of my girlfriend with the same caring blue eyes and long blond hair. You can see that she takes her work home , as she has silver circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She [...]

The Heroism of the Happiest Homeless Man Part#1

In this world, there are those fortunate enough to be born with a silver spoon lovingly inserted between their tit trap teeth. Our hero was born in a trashcan and always treasured every moment in his very strange life. On the night he was born, as stars sparkled in the distance, as motel six customers [...]

The Cure#8: A Mother’s Love

November 25th, 2009 A plastic cartoon dog wobbles his head back and forth, attached to the dash of my mother’s car, mocking my sleepless state. His name is Frank and my mother got him at a fast food restaurant back in the days when Men In Black was first released. I stare into his eyes, [...]

Making of Martinez: The Kosher Rican

The power is out. The manager’s office is the perfect place to commit a murder. Matthew feels awkward, hoping to have suspicions assuaged. Unfortunately this is not to be. He is in fact working in a madhouse. “So they are all crazy?” my brother asks. “As in mentally unbalanced?” “All of them,” agrees the manager [...]

The Cure#7: An idiot’s attempt to learn to ride a bike

November 23rd,2009 The little girl bike is not properly suited to my body’s weight and height. I am a grizzly bear balanced on a unicycle. Only this bear has no fucking idea of what he is doing and is a few second from falling on his ass. I have never learned how to ride a [...]

The Cure#6: Nurse Betty

November 19th, 2009 My girlfriend kisses me on the mouth and leaves me alone with her mother. It’s one in the afternoon and I haven’t eaten yet or slept. “Betty” is blond with a streak of silver hair with big glasses and crystal blue eyes. Put simply she is one of the nicest women in [...]

The Cure#5: Insomnia in the Land of Dreams

November 19th, 2009 Go to sleep. Go to fucking sleep. A signal has been sent from my brain to my body that if I fall asleep something bad is going to happen. My bed has suddenly become a prison. My conscious mind is telling my body that there is nothing wrong. I’m lying next to [...]

Making of Martinez#3: Ecstasy and Carousels

His rap career—like most things involving my brother—began as a result of a girl. While staying at the top of Middle Bay—the same residence where I would chat with acidheads about my lovelorn life while having a panic attack—my brother was falling in love. Not with the girl. He was fucking sick of the girl. [...]

The Cure#4:Going Nuts and Buying Almonds

November 18th, 2009 “Where are the nuts?” I ask the clerk. He looks at me like I’m an idiot. I realize I’m not being specific enough. “The almonds.” He points to an aisle at the end of the gigantic store. “Thanks,” I say and begin my journey. There is a chemical in your brain called [...]

The Cure#3: So You Have Anxiety

November 16th, 2009 The room is completely empty except a very jowly woman readying her presentation. Empty chairs surround the circular table where other people should be sitting. I’m in a self-help group and I am the only one who showed up for class. Her presentation is Power Point and she makes jokes about how [...]

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About

Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

Really obvious disclaimer:
I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

Fantastic Thoughts of Quimbo

I suffer from anxiety, being a twenty something and having an awesome blog. Check out colony-of-losers.com

Obama should do this to Romney

Do you think the Coca Cola executive who made up Santa is in hell being tortured by the baby jesus?

I shaved my neck beard increasing my general level of handsomeness. This made me feel fit. I didn't go to the gym today for this reason.

I saw a man reading Audacity of Hope in Starbucks with tears rolling down his cheeks. The question is for what reason?

I always count on someone at a bar to instruct me to become a better person. I learned don't go to Walmart, they killed 3 billion kids.#true

Give it up for all the kids who used to chew on their hoodie handles of their sweaters.

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