Finishing University: Graduating Into the Colony of Losers

“So what are you going to do now?” Crickets commit suicide. “Become an exterminator,” I say. “Kill birds.” He didn’t expect that to be my answer. Neither did I. “I fucking hate birds.” People have a habit of asking incredibly insensitive questions as small talk. “What are you going to do now” is the worst [...]

Cure#16: Jersey Shore, Sleep Deprivation Diet and Spinning

My eyes can’t focus. They keep blinking me in and out of consciousness. A lot of stupid people are talking and I have trouble paying attention. They all have New Jersey accents but their dialogue is nowhere near as clever as the Sopranos. “What is this show called again?” I ask. “Jersey Shore,” Paddy replies. [...]

Cure#15: Khyber Wednesdays and the best Jewish Hispanic dancing in the world

I’m not a good dancer by traditional definitions. “You’re really grooving tonight,” she says. “I’m too drunk to know if you’re being sarcastic,” I reply. She laughs and the sound races up my chest like an elevator on the way to the top floor. “You liking your booze, Michael,” she says. “Becoming a regular alcoholic.” [...]

Cure#14: Yoga Farts, Insomnia and the History of Music and Unicorns

I’m surrounded by attractive incredibly flexible women and I don’t think I’m making the best impression. While they are in downward facing dog, I’m literally slipping in my own sweat. “You are doing well,” says my perfectly toned beautiful black yoga instructor. I’m not. Hot Yoga involves a level of flexibility I don’t possess and [...]

Cure#13: Meditating with the Mullet Man, Money and Mental Illness

I’m uncharacteristically late so I don’t have the chance to change into my pajamapants as I had planned. As a result I stow them on the coat rack and move into the meditation room wearing tight jeans which are likely to give my balls razor burn if I sit in lotus position too long. I [...]

Cure#12: Drowning and dreaming

December 10th, 2009 “Ocean sounds?” asks my girlfriend, looking like a princess in her polar bear sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants. Her laptop sits on her knees as her legs dangle from her bed and don’t quite touch the ground. “You don’t have to do this,” I say. “I can just go home.” “No you [...]

Cure#11: Love in the dark and unicorns

December 6th, 2010 The first thing I see when I wake up is my girlfriend in Unicorn form. Mounted on her wall is the portrait in oil paints I commissioned for our two-month anniversary. The actual girl lies to the side of me lost in sleep. She’s gotten used to sleeping with an insomniac. Has [...]

Cure#10: Muggles, Madness and Professional Help

December 4th, 2009 Running away from myself is how I spend my days. Running back only happens after my daily exercise at the Hotel Atlantica gym. With the exhaustation comes a moment of lucidity, like an Alzheimer’s patient who remembers everything they forget. The excess adrenaline that torments me has been spent. I can see [...]

About

Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

Really obvious disclaimer:
I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

Fantastic Thoughts of Quimbo

I suffer from anxiety, being a twenty something and having an awesome blog. Check out colony-of-losers.com

Obama should do this to Romney

Do you think the Coca Cola executive who made up Santa is in hell being tortured by the baby jesus?

I shaved my neck beard increasing my general level of handsomeness. This made me feel fit. I didn't go to the gym today for this reason.

I saw a man reading Audacity of Hope in Starbucks with tears rolling down his cheeks. The question is for what reason?

I always count on someone at a bar to instruct me to become a better person. I learned don't go to Walmart, they killed 3 billion kids.#true

Give it up for all the kids who used to chew on their hoodie handles of their sweaters.

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