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Multiculturalism, 911, The Genocide of Native Americans, Jewish Conspiracies and My Birthday

Posted on | April 11, 2011 | 1 Comment

This is a small slice of life from the big smoke on my birthday. It involves a moustache racist, a 911 Truther, the genocide of the Native people, jewish media conspiracies and a brief glimpse of our beautiful multi-cultural Canadian heart.

“You fucking caused 911!” shouts a Hulk Hogan-esque construction worker with a hard hat and a moustache to give Tom Selleck a jealousy boner. He is yelling at a white man in black muslim robes.

“I didn’t.”

“Yes you did!  You’re with Osama!”

“I’m just trying to tell people about being a Muslim!” replies the white man in black muslim robes.

I should explain something to those of who aren’t from Toronto.

There are street salesman of various good causes anywhere you walk in the big smoke. Some are explaining how the Apocaylpse is coming and trying to explain out the proper decorum for getting an invitation to the heaven party. There is a sign a few blocks from my house advertising for Family Radio.com with the date of May 21st mentioned as our last day on Earth.  Others are less exact. Other salesman are hocking cheap chocolate for special sports teams. Some are advertising strippers and others are into the UFC.  Still others are trying to sell booklets about black history, asking guilty looking white boys to give a couple bucks so they can finally understand black people and their struggle.  I once sold Amnesty International on the streets of Halifax and have a sympathy for anyone who has to sell a belief on a street corner.  I usually stop.

I recently stopped and talked to a very charismatic Muslim man who explained he had no problem with the Jews…it was those damn Christians that were at fault. We had a good laugh at fundamentalist Christians and their agenda with Israel and shook hands.  I went and had a sundae.   I have also recently stopped and talked to hell fire Christians who were interested in explaining what you need to know about the no way in hell you are getting into heaven type of actions. My sexuality rarely survives these encounters. Nothing makes me become openly gay like signs that say: “God hates faggots.”

Especially if I’ve been reading Hitchens recently. I went for Thai Food after.

But this isn’t good wholesome fun.

“I didn’t cause 911…I’m an engineer,” says the white man in muslim robes.  “Listen…you are off topic here. I’m trying to tell you a little something about being a Muslim.”

“You’re white,” says the Moustache.

“I chose to become a Muslim.”

“And you’re white,” replies the Moustache.

There are three of us watching this great debate and I’m the only one who is unaligned with the Engineer and the Moustache. There is one construction worker clearly on the side of the Moustache and there is one Middle Eastern Islamic man on the side of the engineer.

“The topic is those towers and the children who died,” slurs the Moustache.

“I didn’t do that,” says the engineer. “That’s not the topic.”

“How can you be with him? With those people?” asks the Moustache, jabbing his finger within an inch of the engineer’s eye.  Him is the Middle Eastern man.

I stop, stomach filled with nachos, ready to get a blast of big city multi-culturalism.  Also on the thin premise that the construction worker seems violent and if he gets violent he may listen to me when I yell at him to stop it. Or maybe I’ll beat him up. I can’t remember whether meditation gives you muscles. It’d be cool if you could meditate and a gun would pop out of your chest at the right moment. You know cultivate inner piece….alright…never mind.

“They kill kids,” says the Moustache. “They bombed a building filled with civilians for no reason. The Twin Towers.”

The Middle Eastern man adjusts his glasses and contemplates how best to be a peace keeper in this situation.

Construction Worker#2 makes his way into the fray.

“He obviously didn’t do it himself,” points out the Construction Worker. “He’s alive, Dan. He’s alive.”

“You fuckers did it. You like seeing those kids die? You like that, fucking terrorist?”

“I’m not a terrorist,” says the engineer, a red blush covering his possibly Irish influenced freckles. “I’m one quarter Indian.”

“What type of Indian?” demands the Moustache.

“I’m one quarter Indian,” repeats the Engineer. Now he is vibrating with rage.  He sort of reminds me of a much smaller Ginger version of the Ultimate Warrior.  “Who is the terrorist?  Who is the fucking terrorist here, buddy? I’m an engineer and your people killed millions of people! Where are the natives?”

“Right here dipshit…apparently. What type of Native are you?” asks the Moustache, in kissing distance with the Engineer.

“I don’t have to tell you.”

“Think a native Canadian would side with the suicide bombers?” asks the Moustache to his compatriot.

“Maybe,” says Construction Worker#2.

“Wait…….”

“Where’s your bomb?” asks the Moustache. “Where’s your fucking bomb?”

“Where is your blanket!  You killed my great grandmother.  How do you like that? White people killed my great grandmother! You killed all the Natives! Who is the terrorist now!”

“What type of Native are you?”

“I don’t know. My mom told me that her mother was native.”

“So you are just everything then?” asks Construction Worker#2 dumbfounded. “You believe in what he’s selling? “

“You murdered my people.”

So two white dudes are blaming eachother for 911 and the death of the Natives?

Our Middle Eastern friend decides to broker a peace treaty.

“We weren’t involved in 911,” says the Middle Eastern man.

“Of course he wasn’t, Dan,” says Construction Worker#2.

“We are just men of god trying to spread the word. And 911 wasn’t done by any Islamic man. 911 was an inside job.”

“What da fuck did you say, Guanatamo?”

“Bush did it.”

“The President?”

“Yes.  He had the bombs planted.”

“How the fuck does that make sense,” says the Moustache. “They were on the news. On the internet claiming they did it.”

“It’s what the Jewish controlled media wants you to believe.”

Fuck.

Your argument for why Muslims aren’t terrorists breaks down to a high school stoner conspiracy and a little relaxed anti-semitism? Couldn’t you have pointed out that Al Quaeda is to Muslim people what the Ku Klux Klan is to Christianity? Or even pointed out that when you don’t have stealth bombers you need to use what you can get?  Or even that there are billions of Muslim people in the world and maybe a hundred or so who were involved in 911?

“Have you been on YouTube? Seen the videos?  No way the tower could have come down like that on it’s own. No way. Definitely an inside job.”

“Bullshit!”

Now the Moustache is in the face of our Middle Eastern peace keeper.

“I ain’t stupid!  It was on the news.”

Two cops, one white and one brown bicycle to within a few feet of the scene.

“Check out YouTube.”

Alright…that’s enough for me. I’m going to Starbucks to see if I can find some sense in this great big world of Toronto.

“So what’s going on over there?” asks the brown cop.

“Umm the construction worker with the moustache got in the face of the white muslim dude and blamed him for 911.  He replied that white people killed the natives and he is one quarter native. He asked who were the terrorists now. Then his friend, the second Muslim dude pointed out that 911 was an inside job.”

The cops start laughing.

I join in.

“The construction worker looks like he might get violent,” I say.

“Shove the inside job up your ass, terrorist,” growls the Moustache and pushes the white Muslim back a few steps.

And then I’m off to Starbucks where people treat each other right and racism doesn’t exist. People ask me how I can possibly find something to write about once or twice a week.  Since I started writing about douchebags I’ve had endless inspiration.

Thanks Toronto.

You’re the best.

Namaste douchebags.

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One Response to “Multiculturalism, 911, The Genocide of Native Americans, Jewish Conspiracies and My Birthday”

  1. Danny C
    April 11th, 2011 @ 10:55 pm

    Let’s give a toast to the T.O. douchebags.

    Thank you for reminding us all how it’s important to be a good person

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    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

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