Colony of Losers- Fuck Stigma and Mental Illness, I'm like 25

Surviving your Quarter Life Crisis and becoming an adult

Ambergris#2

Posted on | March 20, 2013 | No Comments

Welcome to the story of a love struck employee at Sea World and his attempt to make his fortune in Ambergis to free his giant girlfriend from imprisonment in France. For the first installment of Ambergris click here

Dearest Adrianna,

I regret to hear that of your imprisonment. I am proud that it took five helicopters to and three hundred marines to capture you. You look exquisite in the National Geographic pictures where heavy iron chains cover you from head to toe. Very S and M. And yes, your bangs looked dynamite. I hope your haircut is all you wished for when you journeyed to the land of our French forefathers. I will do my damndest to raise a fortune to free you.

Which brings us back to my adventures at Sea World. As I grin at the Sperm Whale and scream it’s mating call into the dour evening, I know my time has arrived. Prance, dear whale. Prance! You will make me richer than my wildest dreams.

The answer to your financial problems lies in Ambergris. Most people know that Paris is famous for it’s perfumes. However most remain unaware that these perfect scents would not be possible with the near mythical substance that is Ambergris. A scent that smells too sweet or too musky is repugnant to the human sense of smell. Thus the most putrid smell in all of the world must be added to give ladies that one of a kind, “I-must-frantically-copulate-with-your-inner-limb” scent. It comes from whale ejaculate.

As the sperm whale prances I see your chains lifting.

I am Ahab, my darling. And I will seduce the behemoth for you.

Don’t despair. I’m coming and the whale will follow.

Pray for me,

Michael Gray Kimber

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  • About

    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

    Really obvious disclaimer:
    I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

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