Colony of Losers- Fuck Stigma and Mental Illness, I'm like 25

Surviving your Quarter Life Crisis and becoming an adult

Poetry From When I Was 20

Posted on | June 15, 2017 | No Comments

I remember not really knowing much about life until I was 20. I heard a story about someone who jumped off a bridge and tried to imagine what that was like and had recently read the Wasteland. Sort of is in that place where you realize empathy is mostly imagine and there are somethings you probably shouldn’t think too deeply about.

Eve and Adam had Eden

Eden has eaten Adam

Even Adam has eaten and without Adam there is Eden

Without Eden there is Adam paradise burning illuminates the world and the ocean at his feet

Static like sounds, cars drown out conversation, men driving not to get to but to get away from

The man smells like cigarettes and always dry never drunk whiskey

The scent holds to his skin

Like it will to his kin and family as he gives them a drink and puts out the light

He comes to the bridge to end his journey into night

Make an end of me

Live life like an evil enemy

Wishing they could have caught him in their soft hands of sympathy

I loved you why couldn’t you live with me

Pain is like a cancer

Spreading its legs like love, eradicating all

Feeling only fall while staying still

Breathing ill in and out, toxic earth, toxic me

On Cloud Nine we’ll forget to breathe

Tears running down his cheeks, little boy won’t believe anymore

And all the kids who hold his hand cry ashes

Life lit on fire with child proof matches

Wrap your hands around the bars

Eyes taking in the broken box collapsed as time elapsed and didn’t change

All of these hands wishing to catch what he wishes would fall

Seeing yourself in their eyes and unable to make them cry

Knowing that they see the crucifix in your smiles shadow

I have been there before where the static is black

And the voices cannot crack the mumbled mime

When the tears come with fists of rhyme over reasonlessness

Repeating eternal sunsets, every sun is eclipsed by the moon

Every voice toneless script touched by gifted actors

Can’t remember my lines, can’t remember the lines, walking liking falling, legs running like crawling

Love has no gravity

Given gravity it grabs in these tight embraces of now hollow faces

They sucked the blood from his flesh

I want to be safe again

Surrounded by needles without touching skin

Snow where it’s warm inside

Rise

Safe, safe, hate escapes, from escapes, I have danced outside these eyes long enough, I know what it takes, I can’t dance alone, I lack tone, number needless needing, my blood is immobile, my veins no longer thirsty without drinking, touch my skin and feel my heartlessness again, it’s so far gone that it can’t get back to let it go, it’s sits dark without night and dawn, a collection of pop music playing my soul ghostly

The voices inside collided in a clash of cries

He feels the tears down every cheek and every child too tired to sleep

Who can close their eyes in a world without dreams

Been so burned he no longer shines

Bruised, battered, blackened, collapsing laughing without mirth

Crying without words or tears

Sobbing without me, filled with absence, love life longingly too short, to feel too long

I can’t cry

It cries me, in drooping moments of lucidity, where I wish I didn’t have to live with me

A love affair become abusive, he used to like to smile, now he looks in the mirror and doesn’t want to confuse it

The lie kills the liar, the words of faith that fail to inspire fealty, all those on weak knees that buckled in prayer

He only prayed for you not to be hurt

Because the man can’t be touched without leaving scars

Standing with a foot in the bright lights of the stars I could never feel and the crashing screams of waters that don’t soothe

The air cackles careless

Kissed your lungs once now it chokes

The darkness used to stab now it strokes

Used to be fire now a world which smokes addictive care free deadness

Limitless white, the city makes the river translucent this night seeing sunken cities

Of Paradise surrendering to infinity timeless

Under waters flowing beautiful mindlessness

Gorgeousness greatness graceful so graceful fall

He’s been climbing  largely broken so small

Seeing heaven in a world without you

An Adam who died when he saw Eve

He can only hurt her now, she feels without him

Breathe

Knowing that cruelty had broken peace

Crawling to the gates

Knowing that true love left behind waits in hell and will never escape from hell

And man let Eden rot

Watching tears bleeding thought down her cheek

Can’t speak of a love so deep that it went to sleep

Laughter screaming as you find out too late about skin made of scars feeling no pain

Taking one last look at the city and the bright light beauty of towers that could kiss the clouds

Baby stumbled the cradle, infect the other children, guess what I know, feeling the voices and making them infused empty, till it crushes the perfect circle science we used as fences, like pleasure palaces where you never have to wait to sleep, sheep sheered till only ghosts count, smoking, relaxing, drinking, mind no longer taxing, don’t want to work, want to play all day, till play becomes work and content becomes fiction, playing in a field of dead snowmen, who you made cold, wishing for red on their cheeks and blood left lingering in your veins, can’t write valentines, love lost gravity, motionless air

He let it slip past thought and past pulses to a place where the mind ceases and agony rages

Can no longer write love song sonatas to her movement

He can’t even see her through a night of black static

He pledged his love with a love letter addressed to no one else

And holds his breathe like an asthmatic

Share

Comments

Leave a Reply





CommentLuv Enabled
  • Introduction to the Cure



  • Peter Diamond Gallery

  • About

    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

    Really obvious disclaimer:
    I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

  • Archives