Colony of Losers- Fuck Stigma and Mental Illness, I'm like 25

Surviving your Quarter Life Crisis and becoming an adult

I’m Here For This

Posted on | December 9, 2017 | No Comments

As I was meditating in a crowded room I started thinking about the difference between thinking and eating.

If you had a moldy sandwich you wouldn’t take a second bite. But we’re fascinated by our worst thoughts and dedicate endless time to explore them. Not because we enjoy the feeling but because we are looking for some way to avoiding having those thoughts. It’s like we decide we aren’t supposed to have these thoughts. We aren’t here for this.

And we get trapped, where we push away our own experience in the insane craving to only have good feelings. Thus a good amount of time we spend alive we miss out on everything that happens to us. That craving doesn’t pull us closer to the good moments. We are simply training ourselves in the art of cowardice.  Pursuing an escape that is impossible. Where all we accomplish is removing ourselves from moments where we are needed.

The mantra, “I’m here for this.” occurred to me.

Like what if when we were jealous we didn’t decide that these feelings were unworthy. If we just sat without it and deciding that getting familiar with this feeling was part of life’s work. That it would help us understand people who find themselves in these traps and we could help them stay with those feelings until the feelings left of their own accord. I’ve been muttering this to myself lately everytime I’m in an experience that doesn’t hit my incredibly high standards for what life should be.

The trap is disassociation. Because you aren’t constructed in manageable interlocking segments and no IT professional in the world has the talent to make a person into an Iphone. And you’ll never be the person you want to be. Who only has thoughts approved by society, who speaks exclusively from the heart, who isn’t sometimes the worst human being in the world. Follow back the string to the beginning. At some point way way back in the day the Dalai Lama and Donald Trump came from the same family tree. In your heart the blood of dicatators and dancers fight to hold the machinery that makes the Wizard of Oz moves. Accepting yourself in a way means accepting everything.

And so much of what makes our world a horrible place is the ever desired presence of an exit door. We are all looking for one. Thinking that somehow this door will lead to a party where we don’t have to try anymore. Where being human isn’t about navigating all of our sharp contours, where are smooth as rocks that will skip infinitely through a calm sea.

I’m not a particularly smart guy. More idiot than Einstein. I know this because I see the unedited version of my thoughts. Made up of impulse that make me sneak an occassional selfie onto Instagram just to see if pretty girls like them. I’m as lonely as a person can be sometimes. And I’m a smooth ass motherfucker with dance moves and the perfect words. I’m a muggle and I’m magic. If I’m just here for the best parts my life becomes moments instead of hours.

I hate the idea that when I’m having a good conversation I’m often only half listening. Puzzling on how I can solve myself. How I can stop myself from feeling moments of annoyance. I want to listen to every word you say. I want to save nothing for the next conversation. I want to try my hardest at every job I’m given. I want to be there. Because worrying has never solved my problems. Because I have never needed to have a conversation before I’m actually having it. I want back all the hours I’ve spent wondering through Toronto with my head lost in a story. Because leaves fell to the ground all in an hour when the weather got cold they had to fall from brunches. And the leaves littered the ground like snow. Until the branches were clean and vulnerable and looked like life admitting that death didn’t come at the end.

I want to have great moments with people I’ll never talk to again.  I want to give people the chance to say everything they want to.

There isn’t a better place than this.

I’m here for this.

And then they ring a gong.

I go out to eat cookies and drink tea.

I speak to people I may never talk to again.

We laugh and don’t think about anything other than what’s happening.

I’m here for this. For every bit of it.




Leave a Reply

CommentLuv Enabled
  • Introduction to the Cure

  • Peter Diamond Gallery

  • About

    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

    Really obvious disclaimer:
    I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

  • Archives