Colony of Losers- Fuck Stigma and Mental Illness, I'm like 25

Surviving your Quarter Life Crisis and becoming an adult

Only Bathroom Stall Kept In The Smithsonian

Posted on | March 4, 2018 | No Comments

Life can feel so conditional

Like if you make this mistake it’s all over

Like I have these high standards and I don’t hit them I don’t matter.

And shame can hit you so hard

But my love for you has no connection to your self esteem or what happened to you yesterday

Where you are today and where you are tomorrow will change but that won’t affect the way I feel about you

I can see every ounce of effort you put into being a good person.

And how much you think that means putting yourself in a tiny box

Where your every thought is sweet and kind and you’re trying to be a Saint

And I want to assure you that this has nothing to do with the way I love you

I love you big

And you’re fucking huge. So many more people than you give yourself credit for

I love you when you want to hide what you’re thinking because it scares you and when you tell me what you’re thinking because I think that way too sometimes and your honesty is such a precious gift and I know how much it’s worth

I love your depression because isn’t it earthshaking to see how passionate you are now when sometimes you don’t feel anything at all.

I love your anxiety because I know it’s just a sincere desire to keep everyone you care about safe and you didn’t create your own nervous system.

I love you even when I’m sick of you

When you know me well enough to know the parts I can’t get rid of even if I have tried.  And encourage me to stop trying to erase parts of myself that feel inconvenient. That I need to spend time giving love to the parts of myself that don’t love me back.

I don’t love you because you succeed. I love you because you try.

I know that there are parts of you that you have no control over.

And I don’t think you’re a coward because you’re scared. I think your brave because you spend the majority of your life being kind.

I don’t think that your scars make you ugly

When I look at you, I’ve never been as merciless as your eyes when you look into a mirror. Your beauty is so obvious to me. As it is to everyone who really gets to know you

I’ve been standing beside people I love for decades

And my heart is the bathroom stall you carved your names into,  the only one kept in the Smithsonian.  Once your name is there, it will not be removed. Even if I spent hours with bleach on my hands trying to scrub it out. Yup It’s still there. Right next to call this number for a blow job and philosophical arguments in sharpie.

I’ve seen death try to get between us and get its ass kicked.

I’ve seen time try to make us into different people and our voices cracked and we were children again.

I’ve seen lovers cheat on eachother and not break up, because the idea of living without each other made all the pain feel necessary. I’ve seen true love survive the end of a relationship and become the closest friendship.

I’ve seen cancer try to eat every inch of a person and heard the strength in a voice over the phone that said even though I’m almost gone I want to give you something to remember me by.

I’ve seen people scream love poetry using their broken hearts as a microphone to say I will suffer every sleepless night as long as I get a chance to meet people like this. Take this shard.

I got more heart left

I’ve watched tragedy drain the color from the world and watched it come back in all it’s mundane beauty

Where the only thing I’m thinking about is where I am and what the air tastes like in my mouth

As far as you feel like you can fall

There are hundreds of hands who are dying to catch you

And give you roses while you can smell them

Because life wouldn’t be the same without you

I love you so much and I’m far from the only one

Whatever is happening to you now

It’s not too big

We can lift it together or I’ll crawl under those bricks with you and wait for time to come and rescue us

Because I know how scary it can be in the dark without someone to talk to

You aren’t alone

You just forgot to pick up the phone and call me



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  • About

    Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

    Really obvious disclaimer:
    I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

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