This Is Not An Emergency

“Sorry. Your crisis isn’t enough for us to keep you,” said the doctor. “This isn’t an emergency.” Through my time trying to help others I have acquired an intimate secret. The place where your empathy burns on endless fuel of black pitch and bile. The exact location where your heart and brain meet. I know [...]

Under the Apple Tree: III No One Dies

III No One Dies His mother’s headache developed the day they arrived in Prag. She babbled insensibly while he pretended to sleep. She got worse with the weather as the torrents of rain became storms of snow and so too did she descend, getting colder and colder, further and further removed from her boy and [...]

MEANING OF LIFE: TITS ON PURPOSE

I was sitting in Kensington Market when I saw a beautiful topless girl. This sparked a thought that would go from Facebook photoshopped statuses to genocide to the miracle of life, and a meaning beyond purpose. Enjoy the view.

Saving Eachother and Subway Delays

I go to a place called Hadleys because they treat their customers like family. If you knew me from Halifax, I got my hallmark cards from a place called Spartan where a few Greek ladies saved the city with rice pudding and breakfast specials. They showed me that you could live small and have a [...]

Speech at Ryerson: “Too Far From Heaven”

Sometimes I think tequila is a good idea. I once got so drunk on tequila in University, that I came up to my residence room, determined to get back to the party when the world stopped spinning, that I turned up Wu Tang Clan’s Ain’t Nothing To Fuck With, so loudly that it shook the [...]

A Night With “Eugene Levy”: Complicated Compassion for a Crackhead

My conversation companion and I are talking quite heatedly about nothing. The purpose of the discussion is to distract him from the Queen sipping a gin and tonic in her Medieval Times crown. “You ever get so drunk you can’t see straight, Eugene?” “Eugene who?” Off to the side of us the people I came [...]

Collecting Things to Throw Away

I’ve recently decided it was time to open up Colony of Losers to my colony of talented friends. Chad Pelley was the first person to come to mind and we aren’t particularly close in real life. Over the last year of reading his Facebook statuses I slowly began to read his work and found that [...]

Bizarre Speech at King’s College: Inspiring and Shit Defying

So I was flown out to Halifax to give a speech for the mental health commission. I made it as appropriate as I could. SPEECH So I went to King’s College and I graduated from this same program and I had a nervous breakdown. Things don’t look too good for you, do they? I’m not [...]

Happy Holidays#2: BDSM, Wheelchairs and Pointless War(Traveling With Porter)

It’s perfectly normal when boarding an airplane to imagine what it would be like crashing into a mountain or exploding in mid-air. I notice strained faces and clenched hands as we move down the runway before take off. I go through my life in montage mode, smiling, wanting to look at the elderly black woman [...]

I Can’t Save Your Life

Dear Michael, I happened upon your amazing post tonight. I wanted to contact you to say “thank you” and to tell you that you were also telling my story. I have bipolar disorder; I’m very open about it and how it affects my life. My family knows, most of my friends do. The holidays are [...]

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About

Michael Kimber is a 26-year-old journalist who suffered a nervous breakdown on November 3rd, 2009. On March 28th, 2010 when he recovered from mental illness, he began writing a blog called Colony-of-losers. About falling on your face to figure out who you are and the hilarious antics of a blond jew. What began with a few friends and his mother reading has become a cult phenomenon, averaging 10,000 views a week, receiving praise from Commonwealth Award Winner Shandi Mitchell and many others. On, November 3rd, 2010, the one year anniversary of his mental breakdown he signed with Anne McDermid and Associates, the largest literary agency in Canada. In a year he went from wearing pajamas, making his couch depression HQ to leaving his hometown for the Toronto, where he exclusively wears business suits and the armor of ancient Greeks. Don't worry, he's still choking on the feet he contently sticks in his mouth and making moments awkward just by being part of them. During these struggles he met other talented bastards and drew them into his circle. Peter Diamond became his illustrator. Patrick Campbell his video editor and part time photographer. He recently added the incredibly talented John Packman as Colony of Losers Toronto photographer. Without the support of the Colony of Losers, Michael Kimber would be nothing. Welcome to the losers and the success that comes from utter and complete failure. You aren’t alone. Follow him on twitter.com/colonyoflosersand twitter.com/quimbo. If you’d like to hire him for a public speaking engagement for mental health events in Toronto, like to arrange an interview, offer millions to publish his book or for another reason contact Michael please email him. And join his facebook Colony of Losers.

Really obvious disclaimer:
I’m not a trained psychologist. Just a fellow traveler. If you need help seek it from the professionals. The Canadian Mental Health Association provides a help locator. You can find crisis resources provided by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. If you are in the states check here. It will give you services by zip code. I’d also recommend checking out Mindyourmind.ca. I think they do great work and have been a help to me personally.

Fantastic Thoughts of Quimbo

I suffer from anxiety, being a twenty something and having an awesome blog. Check out colony-of-losers.com

Obama should do this to Romney

Do you think the Coca Cola executive who made up Santa is in hell being tortured by the baby jesus?

I shaved my neck beard increasing my general level of handsomeness. This made me feel fit. I didn't go to the gym today for this reason.

I saw a man reading Audacity of Hope in Starbucks with tears rolling down his cheeks. The question is for what reason?

I always count on someone at a bar to instruct me to become a better person. I learned don't go to Walmart, they killed 3 billion kids.#true

Give it up for all the kids who used to chew on their hoodie handles of their sweaters.

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